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A cow by any other name

Dec 9th 2010, 16:51 by S.T. | TALLINN

 ANY Eastern Approaches readers who, unaccountably, have not been keeping up with the latest developments from the Estonian Animal Recording Centre may be interested to hear that a new 48-page survey of the most popular names for cows in Estonia is the talk of Tallinn.

Refugees in Ukraine: Shut out

Feb 10th 2011, 18:09 by S.T.

 THE walls of fortress Europe have grown increasingly impenetrable of late. A planned fence on the Greek border with Turkey has received some attention. Not so the situation in western Ukraine, where there a growing community of refugees, mainly from Afghanistan and Africa, seeking entrace into the European Union have congregated. Effectively trapped in limbo, these asylum-seekers are subject to abuse, exploitation and torture.

Estonia hits the big time! A New Yorker Cover

“When readers of The New Yorker magazine get their Thanksgiving issue this week, they’ll see the cover image of an illustrated turkey carved into sections representing all of the strange people one might find at a Thanksgiving dinner. Tucked just under the neck (for some, the most coveted dark meat on the bird) are the words:

Monosyllabic Estonian Exchange Student

…whatever their motives, it is indicative of the American habit of using ‘Estonian’ and ‘Estonia’ as a by-word for something strange, distant and unverifiable. It is much the same as the way the word, ‘accountant’ is a by-word for nerd, or boring.”

Who shot Communism in Estonia?

“It examines how television broadcasts from nearby Finland exposed the residents of Tallinn to the vagaries of capitalist culture during communist times. The television show Dallas, with it’s millionaires and manicures, gets a lot of attention as a cultural product espousing values that couldn’t have been further from what residents in this country were experiencing. It is a highly personal story about how residents from the south of the country would drive north to the capital, where reception was strongest, just to follow the fates of JR and crew.”

Why does Estonia even exist?

“With a mere 900,000 people living in 45,000 km2 and pressed up against some of history’s most notoriously beligerent countries it’s hard to believe Estonia actually exists. How, over centuries, did this tiny country not get tramppled on, snuffed out or swallowed up by any of the bigger fish in Europe’s ever-choppy pond? Conversely, why aren’t there more countries like Estonia? …There is an old Hungarian joke that all Finno-Ugric people were once one people wandering Europe. One day they arrived at a crossroads with a sign stating one direction would lead south to sunny weather and flat bountiful lands. The other direction led north where it is frozen and dark. The truly clever literate people followed the directions south — to Hungary. The illiterate rabble moved north to Estonia and Finland.

Bar for the Pet’s Owners

“Patrons brought in images of their pets to decorate the walls, and occasional poetry nights were hosted where owners could recite verse dedicated to their furry friends. Basilio’s definition of pet is equitably broad. While most people bring their dogs, cats are welcome and guinea pigs, ferrets and even rats have made appearances. There are separate menus for the animals to enjoy and assurances are given as to the cleanliness of the bar. There are separate dinnerware sets for all species.

There are also strict rules for the animals themselves…”

Trip to Narva with a Busload of Ambassadors

“Thanks to several office casualties resulting from cold and flu season I was given the chance to represent the Birtish Council Estonia at the Annual Study Tour arranged by the Ministry of Education and Research (MoER) here in Estonia. …When we rolled out of Tallinn in our bus at 7:30am the weather was hurricane-y and awful, it was dark and most of us were half asleep. Thankfully the driver was awake, otherwise Estonia would have lost half its much of its diplomatic corps and given CNN international a story to trump those Chilean miners. …Narva was selected for this particular tour because as Estonia’s third largest city with close to 70,000 people it has a population that is 96% Russian speaking. This is pretty much Estonia’s elephant in the room.

God, deliver me from Oliver

“A Japanese friend once explained to me the idea that all people have a God presiding over certain aspects of their lives. Some people have a God of work, meaning that they always manage to find a good job even in tough times. Some have a God of love blessing them with an unending stream of compatible lovers. You get the picture.

Before this weekend I was convinced I had a God of shelter. …That all ended Thursday night.

His name was Oliver and he greeted me at his door with a hearty handshake and a smile. He sported bullet-repelant glasses and maybe 100 extra pounds (45.359237 kg) wrapped around his squat shirtless trunk of a torso. His entire body, from his close-cropped blonde hair down to his Crocs®, was soaking wet. He had a towel wrapped around his waist. He pulled me into his rainforest of a room. Boxes, clothes and knick-knacks were strewn everywhere. The heat was cranked up high and lush plants hung from every wall. The wet slick on his round body was most likely sweat.”

(BANNED!)

They say that politics and religion make for impolite dinner conversation. In tight-knit Estonia talking politics is more like a serious family meeting. Talking religion is fare game as well. Estonia is the least religious country in Europe and there simply isn’t much religion to get huffy about.  But mention Russian/Estonian integration in any context and the sparks fly.  I wrote this post a while back and it was promptly deleted from history. Maybe it was for the best. Absolutely EVERYONE (Russian and Estonian speaking)  who read this disagreed with my point of view. Whatever… here it is anyway. My censored post on language immersion education in Estonia.

Read it below…

As mentioned in THIS POST the big political, social, economic, you name it, issue in Estonia is the segregation of Russian and Estonian speaking nationals. An effort is underway to connect these groups through Estonian language immersion programmes for Russian speakers beginning at the earliest age.

On my recent trip to the primarily Russian speaking city of Narva I saw first-hand this governments best attempts at integrating Russian speaking children into Estonian speaking society.

On its face things look like this.

• Estonia is a country of 1.34 million souls. This number is declining.
• Roughly 68.7% speak Estonian and identify as Estonian.
• 25.5% speak Russian at home and identify in many different ways. Some claim they are Russian. Some say Russian speaking Estonian. Others simply say Estonian.

The goal of Estonian immersion programs is that Estonia’s cultural survival, economic success and social cohesion are dependant upon Russian speakers learning Estonian.

The major problem I see is that Russian speaking children are placed in language immersion programs. This means that students not only take Estonian language courses, but they learn other core subjects in Estonian. This means that any combination of math, geography, and history ect… are taught in Estonian. To my knowledge there are few or no Russian language immersion schools for Estonian speakers in Estonia.

It is perfectly reasonable here in Estonia to expect citizens and residents of the country to learn the language of the state. It is expected in nearly every other country in the world, so why not here? It also cannot be argued that the more languages you know the better your prospects in all aspects of life.

But…

Language immersion programs present certain kinds of drawbacks. When learning a core subject in a “foreign” language certain things can get lost in translation. While your language skills may improve, the chance to excel at a particular subject might be hindered by a language barrier.

There are only so many hours in the day. While Estonian speakers are given every opportunity to learn Russian, many do not. There are valid cultural and historic reasons for this… but very few practical ones. If 25% of your country speaks Russian, you should probably try to speak it fluently. Most importantly, focusing on Estonian takes valuable time away from learning other languages.

Now I am not a language supremacist, but there is no denying that English is the most important second language to have in the world at the moment. If learning Estonian takes away opportunities to take core subjects in English — subjects whose terminology is the key to global business – then this places Russian speakers at a huge disadvantage.

Of course knowing BOTH Estonian and Russian is the best way to get a high-profile, well-paying job in this country. But all of these jobs are in major cities like Tallinn and Tartu. By limiting English training and promoting Estonian the immersion students can only set their sights on jobs in Estonia whereas Estonian native speakers who are encouraged to take core subjects in English can much more easily navigate job markets all over the world.

Let’s say a student does become proficient in both Estonian and Russian, but their English (or German or Spanish) is poor. When they turn 22 and get restless for big city living, where are they going to turn? London, Tallinn or St Petersburg. I think they would choose somewhere like London, but because their English might not be great, they’d do much better in St. Petes. This would seemingly have the opposite effect in term of social integration. Russians speakers would increasingly eschew Western Europe for big city living in Russia.

Now before you accuse me of talking out of my ass, let me plead that I am only speaking through one butt cheek.

I was a student in a language immersion program in Canada for 11 years. For that entire time I would receive half of my courses – things like gym, literature, music ect… in English. The remainder of my core subjects, math, history, geography, were in French. I was part of a well meaning educational experiment undertaken by the Canadian government to foster a completely bilingual country. The idea was that citizens from Vancouver to Halifax should be fluent in both official languages of Canada.

The reasoning was similar to that of Estonia, where nationally there was a fear that French language and culture was eroding thanks to its status as a minority language. The numbers in Canada break down similar to Estonia. Close to 67% speak English and 22% speak French. The main difference between Canada and Estonia’s language initiatives is history. Estonia was ruled by Moscow for much of their recent history and the scars of that occupation are naturally still raw. Nothing close has occurred in Canada in the past two centuries.

I know the pitfalls for language immersion first hand. While learning French did help my cultural outlook, and generally put me in classes with higher achieving students, it didn’t help me integrate very much. In school we were taught Parisian French not Quebecois French. So in the few chances my classmates and I had to travel to Quebec our version of French was at best slightly alien and at worst outright condescending to Quebecers. On top of that, the chances to visit Quebec were limited due to the vastness of Canada’s geography. The chance to live and work in a Quebecois speaking environment was never an easy prospect.

Another failing was that so much time was used learning the grammar or another language, English grammar was sacrificed. Still to this day I am embarrassed that I know very little about the technical aspects of the English language. We were simply expected to pick it up. This oversight might be attributed to how my school in particular implemented the program, but the failure is there. A knock-on effect of this is that I lack the terminology of English grammar that is needed to learn other foreign languages. When a German tries to teach me German grammar using expressions like, article, preposition and prefix, I only have a vague idea what those are.

Now a brighter student might not have trouble with such things, but I was never an exceptionally gifted student. So perhaps the argument that I am making is not directed towards the best and the brightest – such as the polyglot students I met in Narva — but rather the average student who already has enough on their plate.

Haunted by the souls of a million departed meals

“I’ve seen people gag, spit, cry-out, cough and swear whilst leaving a filthy restroom. But never in my life have I seen people react the way they did last month … traumatized, distant and terminally haunted by what they experienced in that forsaken restroom in that dusty little Ukrainian town.”

Sammy’s Choice: Auschwitz or KFC

“To spend the day educating and improving my understanding of the human condition in the haunting remains of one of this centuries most iconic testaments to the depths of human malice… or… spend the day devising a strategy to eat KFC with both my hands and my feet just so I had more digits for lickin’. What to do?”

Canada: Good, but boring

“Close to a month ago I was interviewed by a friend of mine from the local newspaper here in Lviv, Високий Замок… The [translated] text has some absolutely hilarious mis-translations. For instance, the title of this blog converts to, ‘Downfall in Ukraine,’ I describe myself as an ‘ignoramus,’ and complain about racist remarks from ‘acute groggy Belgians.’

Ukraine is not a brothel

““I TAUGHT ENGLISH IN KOREA. MY BOSS WAS A GODDAMNED FOX. I’M RETIRED NOW. I HAVE NO HOME. I TRAVEL INDEFINITELY. I MADE A LOT OF MONEY BUT I SPENT IT ON SHIT. LIKE FISH TANKS. I HAD A RARE FOSSIL COLLECTION. I JUST SAID FUCK IT. I GAVE IT ALL AWAY. I HAD TWO COBRAS IN A JAR. I’M HERE LOOKING FOR A WIFE. I HAVEN’T HAD ANY LUCK.”

Ukraine… I’m sorry

“Why is your blog so insulting to Ukraine?” she said. Before the comment even registered she then proceeded to tear me a new one, asking me if I thought Ukrainians were just barbaric cave people, why I came here if I thought this place was such a joke, and that I was basically a pampered ass, ignorant of the effect that years of genocide, war and colonial subjugation has had on the people here. …Before I could even defend myself, she said that she still respected me, but that I should, “mix some clean water with the dirty.” She then jumped on a streetcar and left me to marinade in my own shame… as well as a peculiar pride for having taught her proper use of the word mix hours earlier.”

 

Welcome to Moldova

 

Spring Break Siberia: The frozen T-shirt contest

“For years Ukrainians could move with relative ease between the borders of their former communist comrades. Ukrainians who once took summer vacations in Prague, went skiing in Romania and hit the beaches of Slovenia now find these doors slammed in their faces thanks cost-prohibitive visas and a plethora of other humiliating requirements.”

If every man on earth dropped dead…

“If every man on earth died instantly, we would have new slang like “fatherf#*ker!” Air travel would grind to a halt and the Israeli army would instantly become the most power military force on earth. “This “gendercide” exterminated 48% of the global population, or approximately 29 billion men. 495 of the Fortune 500 CEO’s are now dead, as are 99% of the world’s landowners.
In the U.S. alone, more than 95% of all commercial pilots, truck drivers, and ship captains died… as did 92% of violent felons.
Internationally 99% of all mechanics, electricians, and construction workers are now deceased though 51% of the planets agricultural labor force is still alive.”

The Ukrainian Army — Get Tanked

“Here is a recruitment commercial for the Ukrainian army (an Army of один). It speaks for itself, but the jist is basically this: The Army — get paid, get laid and get tanked (pun intended). Enjoy.”

 

Dressed for a better world

May Day — Mayday!

“When I left my house early that morning I had a feeling I wouldn’t see too much in the way of craziness.  What I didn’t know was that I would find myself standing right where the fuse meets the dynamite in the worst riots this city has seen for years.  I was hit with glass, shoved by an armored cop, and teargassed. Strangely though, it was my feelings that were hurt the most.”

For one; there are no wild bears in Germany. Not one. Prior to this decade the last known wild bear in Germany was gunned down by hunters in Bavaria in 1838.

In early 2006 a bear named JJ1, became the first of his kind to set foot in Germany in nearly two centuries when he wandered across the border from Austria. Technically the creature was a “brown” bear, but I feel that in the age of Obama we’ve moved beyond such labeling.

The environmental set was thrilled that such a noble animal was once again enjoying nuts and berries in the woods of Bavaria — hailing the adorable killing machine as a symbol of the success of endangered species reintroduction programs. The press affectionately named the critter Bruno.

The joy was short lived. Upon illegally emigrating, Bruno may have wandered into the hearts of Germans, but he also wandered into a country that had absolutely no experience with a real live wild bear.

Predictably Bruno, acting like a total animal, embarked on a ruthless 300 km killing spree, mercilessly dispatching any creature unfortunate enough to cross his path..

The body count from Bruno’s swath of destruction included:

• 33 sheep
• 4 domestic rabbits
• 1 guinea pig,
• Assorted hens and goats
• A bunch of bees defending their honey (probably)

It seems that Bruno’s taste for blood emboldened him to the point where he even brazenly taunted his human adversaries. Bruno was spotted strutting down main street in the town of Kochel, even stopping to take a breather on the steps of the police station.

Things went from bad to worse for Bruno when Bavarian Prime Minister Edmund Stoiber labeled the once-loveable poster-bear as a Problembär, or (problem bear). You know you’re fucked when a German bureaucrat conjoins words to make a concept out of you.

Much to the delight of local farmers, who claimed Bruno enjoyed killing because he typically killed sheep without eating them, the bear was ordered killed or captured.

In an effort to be humane the German authorities enlisted a cross-species international all-star team of Finnish bear hunters and their Karelian Bear Dogs to capture the hairy menace. Amazingly the Finns and their hounds proved totally useless and were unable to catch the bear over the course of several weeks. Frustrated, and increasingly concerned about the safety of local sheep and bees, the local government sought a final solution.

On June 26th a shocked German public awoke to these words from Spiegel Online,  “Bruno the wandering bear is dead. The notorious creature was shot by hunters at 4.50 a.m. on Monday morning, near the Bavarian town of Zell in southern Germany. “The shooting has happened, the bear is dead,” said Manfred Wölfl, the Bavarian government’s bear expert.”

Outrage over Bruno’s death spread far and wide — including Italy, where environmentalists recognized Bruno as JJ1 — one of 10 Slovenian bears introduced in that country’s Trento region.  In an effort to retrieve their murdered bear, Rome declared JJ1 as state property, and demanded that his body be returned to Italy. The Bavarian government pushed back, claiming that any carcass on German land is German property.

The story grew even more tragic when details of Bruno’s troubled family history eventually surfaced. As one of several progeny of bear-parents (bearents!) Jurka and Joze, Bruno/JJ1 wasn’t the only problem child in his family. Nearly two years after JJ1 was slain, his brother, JJ3 wandered into Switzerland and was also murdered — without nickname. Though in keeping with German/Swiss historical tradition, Switzerland’s wrong-doing went underreported.

We don’t know if JJ3 was out to extract sweet vengeance from his brother’s executioners and simply got lost, or if he thought he could seek asylum in the oft-neutral nation. We may never know. What we do know, is that it turns out pathologically poor parenting was the root of the original problem.

Soon after JJ3 met his end, Jurka, Bruno’s mother, was incarcerated by the whichever Italian authorities are in charge of disorderly bears. It was revealed that 50% of all bear related crimes in the region were caused by Jurka and her offspring.

There were few winners in the tragic tale of Bruno. Two bears were killed, their mother tossed in prison and Bavarian environment minister Werner Schappau’s reputation was seriously tarnished after environmentalists called for his resignation. I suppose the only silver lining is that we can all enjoy the irascible Bruno everyday of the week, as he’s been stuffed, mounted, and put in display at the Museum of Man and Nature in Munich. And the world now knows not to trust Finns to catch a bear.

That’s why Saturday mornings in Lviv were always a little slice of heaven for me. Around 11:30am the church bells from the local Dominican cathedral would ring, summoning brides, grooms, well-wishers and babushkas from all across western Ukraine to gather beneath my windowsill to celebrate the joyous union of two lovers.

The bells would also summon me to get a strong coffee, a pack of cigarettes and take up my perch high above the festivities to ogle bridesmaids and bask in the warmth of the confluence of everything I love about Ukraine.

As my friend Peter would say, “the wedding industrial complex,” is a driving force in Ukraine. Bridle shops are everywhere, young couples set their sights on getting married long before most Canadians have even fallen in love for the first time. The age of first marriage in Ukraine is 22.2 for women. That is the lowest age in Europe. By contrast the average age of a Canadian woman’s first marriage is 31.7.

The reasons for this rush are manifold. Religion, tradition and economics all play a part. Most Ukrainian youth live with their parents until they are married. In their case, getting hitched allows them to pool their money, get their own place and ultimately make sweet love away from the prying eyes of God and grandmamma. Undoubtedly mom and dad are happy to have a little more room at home as well.

Watching these wedding parties was better than TV. They have it all. Beautiful women, dressed up beyond belief. Music, traditional dresses and suits, food, and of course the gratuitous taking of photos with the bride and groom in ridiculous poses. I’ve mentioned before the Ukrainian pastime of taking sexy pictures of oneself. In front of fountains, castles, churches synagogues, stray dogs, trees, opera houses anywhere in Ukraine really… you’ll find giggling groups of girls posing, pouting and puckering for the camera. On their wedding day, husbands get dragged along in this enterprise and it’s priceless to see their resigned expressions as they feed swans, release doves and basically pose for whatever ridiculous stuff their new wives desire.

All of this stuff happened right beneath my window as the Dominican cathedral right next door is one of the most photogenic spots in Ukraine. Plus it has a parking lot. I’d love to know how many wedding albums, have a shirtless me or Eddie, replete with coffee, cigarette and shit-eating grin gawking at the happiest day of their lives.

Beyond the over-the-top photos, there are a few other wedding customs in Ukraine that are pretty cool. Firstly, when the groom arrives (with his groomsmen as backup) at the brides residence to pick her up for the wedding, he is confronted by a coven of frosty bridesmaids.

Now begins a process called Викуп or “buyout.” Sometimes money and vodka are involved – a groom offers money for a bride, and they bargain. You can see how it happens here. Nowadays people tend to make it more romantic and less about ”buying” yourself a bride. So the bridesmaids mandate the groom complete tasks instead.

Once the union is complete, the bride and groom make their way to a bridge and fasten a padlock engraved with their names to the railing. The symbolism is pretty obvious, but it’s a great tradition none the less. Suddenly any bridge crossing is a great exercise in imagination — just picturing that each lock as a couple, and to think where that couple is now, and that their lock will probably be there longer than they are alive (or married).

Of course, not all weddings are traditional. Behold the following. A Star Wars themed wedding in Lviv. I can just picture the babushkas sitting around with WTF looks on their faces. The best part though… the groom mixing a traditional cossack hairdoo with a wardrobe from a galaxy far, far away.

First off. I’ve gone on and on about how beautiful the women in Ukraine are. I know it, human traffickers know it, and even the Beatles know it. Back in Lviv, I’d roll my eyes when female ex-pats would complain about the lack of attention they’d receive from Ukrainian men due to the enmormous amount of time and attention Ukrainian women invest in their appearance.

Sadly (for me) the same is true here in Germany. I don’t want to offend anyone here, but Berlin women just aren’t that feminine. Practical, engaging, intelligent, funny…. sure. They’re all of those things. But actual women? Not totally. Good luck getting a smile, a wink, a nod, or even a fleeting acknowledgment that both parties share opposing genitalia that may indeed function in harmony during sexual congress. Nothing.

Now the men on the other hand. It’s not easy for me to say, but the dudes here are really attractive. They’re all tall, stubley with floppy hair and blue eyes radiating a calm and ease you just don’t find in North America. In many ways they act a lot more feminine than the women here. So ladies, if you want to experience an equivalent to the buffet of sexual excitement men find in Ukraine, I suggest coming to Berlin. Honestly, I find myself kinda attracted the to guys here. Not in a “I want to french kiss you,” kind of way, but in a, “if we hung out, you might catch me staring at you,” kind of way.

The only really unfortunate thing about the dudes here is that as slaves to fashion, many have adopted the 80s style swept bang haircut that I assume is popular world-wide amongst hipsters. I’m sure the ‘doo works elsewhere, but here in Germany that hairdoo has an unsettling precedent.

I’m not totally sure where this man/woman role reversal comes from. I do have some theories.

A friend (who I should qualify, is a beautiful women) explained the concept of “the ruined German woman.” These were the women who had to reconstruct German society after the WWII. They were widows, orphans and they had few men in their lives. To put a once male dominated society back together surely took some negotiating of gender roles. These concessions seem to have stuck around. Plus — as someone who will remain nameless rather crassly put it: After the war the only men who survived were cowards and losers. Ouch.

Another less maudlin theory. There is also the massive gay and lesbian population here in Berlin. This is the city that gave us the love-parade. While gays and lesbians work and live in pretty much all sectors of society here, their influence (by sheer numbers) can’t be ignored. As a result, men’s and women’s fashion and attitudes tend to conflate in an androgynous middle-ground. For females, this masculine aesthetic just doesn’t translate into sexy. It works better for men though. Feminine qualities just seem to be more appealing across gender lines.

But it is disconcerting when a  flash of long chestnut hair, smooth skin, or cool outfit catches my attention, leading me to throw-up in my mouth a bit upon realizing I’ve just been attracted by a bearded graphic designer named Lothar!

My man, The D, has similar complaints, and he’s been here for three years. In fact, he’s had to manipulate his own sexuality on numerous occasions. Not for romantic reasons, but rather to escape German bureaucracy.  After nearly a week of wrestling with documents, papers, stamps and permissions to have a simple STD test, he all but gave up. Eventually he discovered a gay and lesbian-only clinic offering hassle-free tests without the paperwork. All he had to do was declare that he was gay.

Well, that’s all he thought he had to do. In order to get the test he was subjected to a one-on-one interview with a counselor who had his suspicions as to the direction of D’s sexual orientation. Amazingly, D did not waver, stumble, or break under the interrogation. In perfect German, he crafted the elaborately detailed yarn of one straight man’s 12-hour odyssey of intrigue, coercion and eventually acquiescence to man-on-man oral sex. It seemed to satisfy the interrogator and D got his STD test. But seriously, it’s shocking to think that an organization discriminates against straight people who want nothing more than to stop the spread of AIDS in an environment where orientation, persuasion and predilection is already blurred to an extreme.

I’m not actually going to go gay, nor am I asking for your pity. All I’m saying, is that a smile, a bit of make-up and a high heel or two never hurt anyone.

When a German wishes to express several concepts, ideas, titles or events at once they will simply mash the words for these concepts together; thus forming one super-word! The classic example being Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän, which in English becomes four words: “Danube steamship company captain.”

Awesome. … except of course if you are a journalist being paid by the word.

I’ve been surveying my friends here to find out their favourite words. One friend has already weighed in with his pick: ordnung. Here are some others that you might enjoy. Special thanks to Lisa, Valeska, Milena and especially The D who is helping me translate basketball trash-talk into German.

Handschuhe

This is the word for gloves. Literally it means, “hand shoes”. Pretty self-explanatory. Also, awesome is the Ukrainian word for toes. пальці ніг (paltsi nih) this converts directly to “foot fingers”.

Abgefuckt

If I was a smarter person I’d know all about the entomology of certain words found in both German and English. Since I’m not, all I can say is the single German word combining the concepts of “fucked” and “up” sounds way similar, yet way cooler than it’s English counterpart.

Vokuhila

In short, this word means mullet. It’s a stellar mashed-up abbreviation of the expression, “vorne kurz hinten lang,” or, short in the front, long at the back. I’d like to propose a new word for the German lexicon: Vogehipar. “Vorne Geschäft hinten Party.”

Arschgeweih

When I see these all I can think of is some nurse in the future rolling over her elderly ward for a sponge bath, only to be confronted by the smeared withered remnants of what North Americans would call a “tramp stamp.” Over here, they’ve really out-done us on the vocab-creativity front. They call these tattoos, Arschgeweih, or ass-antlers. Bravo Germany, bravo!

Amoklaufer

Teen alienation is just as prevalent here as anywhere else where people have lots of money and free time. Most recently a young man in Bavaria lost his marbles and began lobbing Molotov cocktails all over his school. Formally we might call these types, disaffected teens, troubled, whatever. In private we’d probably reference the Columbine School shooting, as in, “he went all Columbine!” In true German style, they’ve fashioned a word for just such an unfortunate occasion: Amoklaufer. Literally this means, “amok runner.”

Pornobalken

Literally this means “porno-bar.” Figuratively it means that your moustache is like the black bar they used to use to disguise someone’s identity in an explicit video. I think we have an equivalent in English, but it’s been so long since I’ve been bar-hopping on Ossington Ave. I’ve forgotten.

Ostalgie

The German word for nostalgia is nostalgie. The word for east is ost. If you miss the “good old days” of communist east-Germany you’re feeling ostalgie. More than just a concept this word has become an industry. Beyond the old pins, tvs, and books from the DDR  found at flea markets, larger ventures have tapped into the sentiment. Here in Berlin you can stay at the Ostel, a hotel reminiscent of an old communist apartment building.

Durchgebumst

I’m still a little fuzzy on this one. I think it literally means, “fucked-through,” or “over-fucked.” In the context I heard it, someone was describing a concept as being over-done, done-to-death or as Adam Carolla would say, “fucked-out.” It’s a little crass I know, but when I saw this ad for NCIS L.A., I realized I needed to find as many words in as many languages of the world to describe what a lame, tired abortion of a show this is.

Voegeln

Again, I’m not clear if this is correct, but in Germany, Voegeln means, “to make like a bird.” It’s what you’re doing whilst getting it on with your lover. Why? I have no idea, and I don’t want to find out. Okay, I do want to find out. I’m so lonely.

Brustwarzen

Even more confounding than, to bird someone is the word for nipples in German. Brustwarzen comprises the words, “breasts” and “warts.” Gross. Why tarnish something we can all celebrate by comparing it to a small, rough tumor, typically on hands and feet but often other locations, that can resemble a cauliflower or a solid blister.

(ed. note. I originally had a lovely picture of a woman’s chest here. I guess it got some people in trouble at work, so I’ve changed it to a pic of man-nipples.)

One day the word “Fesenko” will be like “karaoke.” It will be something people go to bars to do for fun. I’m not sure, exactly, what it will be, but it will be entertaining. — Henry Abbott, Truehoop.

I love the NBA. I love Ukraine. I love irreverent comedy. Amazingly these three elements somehow conflate in the person of Ukrainian born, 7’1″, 300lbs Utah Jazz centre Kyrylo Fesenko — one of the funniest basketball players alive.

This summer ESPN columnist Bill Simmons laid out grading scheme for athlete comedy. His contention being that most athletes aren’t actually funny, but as our expectations are so low, we give them too much credit when they say something clever. Grades on the scale include:

0.0 — Comedically Dead (any PGA golfer, Marcin Gortat, Adam Morrison, Chauncey Billups, most female foreign tennis players, LaDainian Tomlinson.)

3.0 — Comedically Deceiving (Even though it seems they should be funny, they aren’t funny at all and don’t try to be funny. But yet, there’s something slightly funny about them. Just slightly. Examples: Johnny Damon, Yao Ming, Brad Miller, every NHL player, Philip Rivers.)

9.5 — Legitimately Funny (Teammates rave about how funny they are. If they get miked up, they’ll always have one or two good lines. Even their interviews are good if they’re invested. Would they be one of your three funniest friends? Probably not. But they’re still funny. Examples: LeBron James, Dustin Pedroia, Chris Webber and Gary Payton (only when together), Nick Swisher, Rasheed Wallace, Shaq, Kobe Bryant (for every Lakers fan).)

Even before he was in the NBA I’d heard tales of Kyrylo Fesenko’s comedic talents. Henry Abbott, the author of ESPN Truehoop blog all but petitioned NBA GMs to sign Fesenko (nicknamed “Fess”) just so he could keep us entertained. It seemed that every week, “Fess” did, or said something absolutely hilarious. Some nuggs of hilarity were a result of langauge and cultural barriers, but some simply came from the fact that Fess is legitimately funny.

On the Simmons scale I’d place Fess in this category:

9.0 — Unintentionally/Intentionally Funny
Self-explanatory. The best example is Delonte West. He makes me laugh and intends to make me laugh, but he’s only in control of 75 percent of my laughter; the other 25 percent comes from the fact that he’s unintentionally funny, too. Now, that ratio can sway in other ways: For instance, Ron Artest is 25 percent in control, and 75 percent unintentional. Ultimately, we’re all winners. I swear that made sense when I wrote it. Other examples: Chris Kaman, Gilbert Arenas, the Lopez brothers, Stephen Jackson, Clinton Portis, Kevin Millar.

Now Simmons didn’t list Fess in his article, but with the help of Henry Abbott at Truehoop and Ross Siler of the SLC Tribune I’d like to make a case for Kyrylo Fesenko’s inclusion in this category. If Fesenko’s facebook photo (above) isn’t enough to tickle your funny bone, check this story from a few seasons ago. One thing I’ve discovered this year is that after learning all the grammar, vocabulary and correct pronunciation of a new language,; cracking a good joke is actually the hardest thing to do in a foreign language, thus making the following more remarkable.

Did you hear this quote from Fesenko? “The Timberwolves printed on [Ross Siler's] credential that [he] was there to cover the March 30, 20008 game. Fesenko took a look at that extra zero and asked: ‘Were you sent here to kill us all?’”

After the jump you’ll find a compendium of Fesenko comedy, both intentional and not. Enjoy!

Fess on Shaq

Fesenko matched up against his childhood idol for a 10-minute stretch of the second quarter. ‘It was really hard,’ Fesenko said. ‘I realize that I am not big, I am not strong. I am small girl compared to Shaq. So I have a lot of work to do — I have a lot of work to do — and I need to start right now if I want to make the team, at least this year.’ O’Neal didn’t say anything to him Thursday, but the 7-foot-1, 300-pound Fesenko said, ‘One time after I push him in the back, he look at me and this look I will see probably in my nightmares.’”

Fess on a Ukrainian’s diet

He eats many of his meals at home, where a chef prepares things for him. When someone from the Flash asked Fesenko what Ukrainians eat, his reply was a playful slam along the lines of, “Worms and short men who ask annoying questions.”When Fesenko wants to eat out, it’s Denny’s, the 24-hour place, not Market Street or Spencer’s or some other upscale eatery. “I like Denny’s because I love eggs, and when I know that I can eat eggs all day long, I was really surprised, and I’m already love Denny’s,” Fesenko said. “It is healthy. It’s not fast food, so everything is good.”

Fess on frugality

Fesenko’s agent, Jason Levien, said last week that his client is committed to not throwing away whatever money he makes in the NBA. As part of that, Fesenko asked Levien to find him a car — and I’m not making this up — in the $3,000 to $4,000 range. That would make Fesenko the first player in league history to drive a worse car than the reporters who cover the team. We’re wondering if Larry Miller, with seemingly every car dealership in Utah, can help Fesenko find something a little more respectable. The Jazz are still trying to find a way for him to play in the Rocky Mountain Revue, but the car question seemed far more interesting Monday. Here was Fesenko’s explanation: “I am not actually NBA player right now, and I’m not really good driver. I need something cheap that if I get some problems, it wasn’t so bad on my soul.” There is some question if Fesenko is actually licensed to drive. He said he was in Ukraine, but told a story of the first time he got behind the wheel. Somehow he started in a field, but wound up nearly driving off a cliff with his girlfriend in the car. “Her face like white,” he said. He’s a funny guy, too. Asked how he spent practice on the sidelines, Fesenko said he “rode bicycle to Ukraine.” Laughter ensued.

Fess taking responsibility for his actions

… Fesenko was working on finishing around the basket, with coach Mike Moreau. Fesenko missed several shots in a row, and got frustrated. He’s a big, strong dude. And in anger, he fired a pass into the wall. “Three of the walls around our gym are concrete,” explains Thorpe. “But that one wall, the one that seperates the gym from the weight room, is sheetrock.” Boom. Big, basketball-shaped hole in the wall. Coach Moreau saw what happened and said “ooh, that’s going to cost you fifty bucks.” He was kidding. The next morning, Fesenko arrives for workouts with fifty dollars in cash, and hands it to a perplexed Coach Moreau. They have some kind of conversation, and Moreau explains that he was kidding, and anyway a piece of sheetrock only costs a few dollars. Fesenko tells Moreau to keep a few dollars. Time goes by. Fesenko gets drafted in the second round, plays in the Rocky Mountain Revue, gets signed to a three-year deal with the Jazz, and flies back home to the Ukraine. Moreau and Thorpe are coaching away, having forgotten all about that hole in the wall. Then, suddenly, it dawns on Moreau that soon Fesenko will be back in the gym, tuning up for the season. And if that hole is still there, he’s going to think Coach Moreau just pocketed that money! “Sure enough,” says Thorpe, “the other morning, there was a maintenance guy patching up that hole.”

Fess on respecting your elders

Here’s one TrueHoop reader Welk spotted on JazzHoops.net, translated from the Russian on SovSport.Ru: Once during a practice I had to get open to get the ball and put it in the basket. I cut behind the player few times but never got an alley oop, so I was disappointed and went to the coach and said, “Are you sleeping? Or you don’t see the court?” He didn’t reply. Later I found out from my agent that it wasn’t a coach, but legendary player of “golden Chicago” Ron Harper. My agent told me: “Nobody has talked to Harper like that before. He has more championship rings than you have birthmarks on your body!”

Fess the competitor

The last drill of the workout was a two-on-two, full-court game. When it was announced that the next team to score won, Fesenko, who was taking out the ball under the far baseline, threw it off Grier’s backside, hopped back inbounds and raced down for the dunk.

Fess on fundamentals

About halfway through the 70-minute workout, Bucks assistant coach Brian James told the players he wanted them to “put the ball on the floor,” meaning take a dribble before shooting. Fesenko was first up, and after taking a pass near the baseline, he softly set the ball on the court and walked away looking puzzled as if to say, “Why did you want me to do that?”

Fess on slavic obscenities

The third foul came on the offensive end, when Fesenko thought he had legal position in the post.”I was a little bit frustrated,” Fesenko said. “I’m sorry if kids hear some bad words, but they were in Russian.”
Fesenko was in good form after the game, blaming a sticky spray he used on his hands for the blown dunk. Asked about what he needed to work on, Fesenko said he wasn’t Michael Jordan and proceeded to list everything from running to shooting to athleticism.

Fess on transportation

As part of his stay with the Flash, Fesenko spent a night in Bismarck, N.D., for a game against the Dakota Wizards. The low temperature was minus-44 degrees, the second-coldest day ever in the city, which Fesenko thought could be mistaken for Siberia.”You could not even get out of the hotel to get like to the gas station just across the street because it’s so freezing,” said Fesenko, who tried to take a shortcut and wound up sinking into a snowbank. If he stays with the Flash next week for their three-game trip to Sioux Falls, S.D., Bismarck, N.D., and Reno, Nev., Fesenko can look forward to a flight to Omaha followed by a bus ride to the Dakotas.”Do not talk about that,” Fesenko said. “I’m so excited for five-hour bus ride. Woo-hoo. Back to school.”

And finally, Fess on Fess.

I’ve seen people gag, spit, cry-out, cough and swear whilst leaving a filthy restroom. But never in my life have I seen people react the way they did last month … traumatized, distant and terminally haunted by what they experienced in that forsaken restroom in that dusty little Ukrainian town.

What lies beyond this paragraph is gross. Unspeakably so. I have an obsession with both the scatalogical and the eschatological and I apologize for sharing — but as I have no sense of smell these pictures do not have the same affect/effect on me as they will you. I cannot smell flowers, baked goods and a woman’s hair but I have a certain amount of pride that I can endure… the worst toilet in Ukraine!

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We were all relieved to get off the stiflingly hot inter-city bus that was taking us from Lviv to Kamyanets-Podilsky. One by one, me, my Canadian friend Peter, his new wife Miwa and my German friend Lisa all peeled our sweaty backs off of our sticky seats and hopped out into the dusty parking lot of the reststop. The bus driver said that we either had 15 minutes, or 50 minutes until the bus got back on the road (I was never great with Ukrainian numbers).

I went hunting for cigarettes, Peter, Miwa and Lisa went wandering up a hill in search of a bathroom.

15 minutes later we all reconoitered on the bus. I had no idea anything upsetting had happened as nobody said anything for maybe five minutes. Then Peter, quietly, without making eye contact or turning his head to address anyone in particular, said, “that was pretty bad wasn’t it?” Miwa just nodded in agreement, shivered, then bowed her head. Lisa mumbled something about it being the worst thing she’d ever seen.

A few silent hours later, Lisa finally brought up what had happened. The all-out assault leveled against their senses by the rest stop bathroom. After some quiet reflection she could finally bring herself to relive what she had just endured. Lisa told the tale of how her and another stanger had at first recoiled, then exchanged glances of solidarity, mutual respect and resignation before relieving themselves in the cursed toilet. Lisa didn’t provide any details. She didn’t have to. Her thousand-yard stare was enough.

I was intrigued. Honestly I have never ever seen anyone react that way to smell in my life.*** They were reacting like it was more than a smell, that they were being haunted by the souls of several thousand strangers’ evacuated meals. They’d been touched by something dark, something sinister, and I’d missed out.

Two weeks later my brother came to visit me in Ukraine. As we borded that same bus for Kamyanets Podilsky I realized that we’d be on that same stretch of road, and hopefully, at that same rest stop.

Sure enough we were, and as the bus rolled south I told Charlie that we may be stopping at the worst toilet in Ukraine. He seemed interested, but not nearly as excited as me. I can see why, it was sure to be an awful experience for him. But for me it was a chance to witness the acme of evil in smell form. It was my chance to go where few people could tolerate going. It was my chance to be the intrepid hero. Fearlessly treading where no one else could. Freely documenting a horror that others could not, nay, would not, describe.

I had my camera ready as we arrived at rest stop. Again the driver said we had either five minutes or 15 minutes to do our business. Charlie and I half jogged up the hill to where the toilet was. It didn’t look so bad from the outside really. Charlie went in first.

When he didn’t automatically shriek, groan or vomit I was a little disappointed. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe it’d been cleaned in the time since Miwa and Lisa had ventured in. I followed Charlie inside. It was bad. It was worse than I had imagined. It had not been cleaned since.

My brother hadn’t immediately said anything because to do so would be to invite millions of fecal molecules into his mouth. Not just one strain of feces, but a ministrone, a menagerie of expelled potatos, discharged dumplings and exiled rotisserie chicken.

I don’t really remember what happened next. I took some pictures. Charlie got out of there pretty quick and before I knew it we were running back to the bus which was honking and pulling out of the parking lot without us (I guess the driver had said five minutes).

That night we checked into our hotel, ate dinner and grabbed some beers to enjoy in our hotel room. Apropos of nothing Charlie brought up the subject of the toilet. All he said was, “It was bad man. It was like shit, on top of shit, with like baby shit in the mix. Just so many different kinds of shit.”

Looking at the photos it’s hard to understand what we experienced in that small town. I mean it’s obvious that the place hadn’t been cleaned, maybe ever, but what’s with the splatters on the walls? And the holes themselves? They are obviously overflowing, but how deep are they???

I feel like you’d need some kind of fecal forensics expert to piece what happened back together. The Dexter of crap. Someone who could analyze splatters to recreate a crime.

So there it is. The worst toilet in Ukraine. Reststops like these exist all over the world, but this one, by far, is the worst I’ve ever seen.

*** I did rip a fart in a cab once. It was so bad the driver freaked out, rolled down the drivers side window and attempted to spit the smell out of his mouth. When that failed he  squealed to a halt on Bloor St., told me that in his country he’d kill me for what I’d done. Forced me to get out of the cab, then proclaimed to everyone waiting in line at Lee’s Palace that I’d shit myself in his car.